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On a more personal note

Hey, guys! So, this is more of a personal kind of update, and I don't usually do those on here (or anywhere on IJ, really. I always mean to keep a personal journal and then wind up sticking to one on one Discord conversations, haha.)

I just wanted to take a minute and tell you all again—and I know I say this a lot, but bear with me—how very, very much I appreciate you all as a community. Your various forms of supporting my work through continued comments, messages, patronage, and tips have really made this that: My work.

What started as a hobby while dealing with postpartum almost nine years ago now has grown into a deep passion for me. Creating resources, teaching, and fielding questions has become a huge part of my life; something I can't imagine ever not doing.

I know, I know. What's so personal about all that? I say most of it all the time!

Well, a couple of weeks ago I went in for my yearly with my OB-GYN and he found a pretty okay-sized lump in my breast; we scheduled an appointment to have an ultrasound done at the cancer center for the next week. I went in, they took a look, and they said it looked mostly like it wasn't an issue, but that part of it was looking a little off and they wanted to get a biopsy.

We did that on Wednesday this week and I got my results this afternoon. Everything is absolutely fine, and they're just going to want to take another look via ultrasound in 3-6 months (it's completely benign and there are no risk markers, so I assume it's just standard procedure to check in and see how my tit crasher is doing in there, and rent free no less.)

Anyway, it's just been a really emotional stressful couple of weeks and it has been wrecking my ability to manage my bipolar, so I've just been plugging away staying deep in my worklog for the month.

I guess the point of this post is just to say thank you for being a huge part of my life, and that I'm so glad said life isn't about to turn into a shitshow of dealing with something I probably just don't have the energy for.

You guys probably don't know this, but you're a wonderful support system when I'm going through rough patches, even without meaning to be. So, for the millionth time, don't get sick of it because I'm not gonna stop saying it, thank you.

Also my boob kinda hurts.


Feb. 10th, 2018 05:48 pm (UTC)
Yeah when they first put me on BCP, I wasn't medicated yet for my bipolar and that went very, very bad. Unfortunately there was NOT any question to it, they were like you need this because you've already had a partial hysterectomy over these freaking cysts and we're not taking it all out when you're only 21. So basically I had to try to suck it up as my emotions were messed up. It was a dark time, so yeaaaah I know how that can be.

I have low dose BCP, like the lowest you can get, and that manages to control them! I do sometimes get little ones and then they explode inside and it hurts like hell, but they don't grow to dangerous levels and that's what matters. I'm sure it is very, very helpful that I have found the perfect mood stabilizer cocktail of meds so I can center myself well. I use lamictal, I don't know if you've tried it but it ended up being the family savior because my family is very genetically bipolar so of the six cousins only one of us doesn't have a disorder of some kind. Anyway that one seems to be the magic as we're all on it and stabilized. I also take daily time released xanax capsules and one other thing that I can't remember. Yay cocktails.

Anyway rambling to say once you do get the right thing going, it'll not be so bad to throw in the BCP. Just make sure it's still on the low dosage.
Feb. 12th, 2018 04:18 pm (UTC)
Eughhh, yeah I feel you. I keep getting cramps between periods, but nowhere near ovulation, so I wanna get it checked again because I think there's probably a cyst or two up in my business pushing on shit and making it uncomfortable. I have an appointment soon to start talking to someone about my bipolar so we can work on therapy and finding the right meds, so maybe at that point birth control will help the non-mental issues. It's honestly a huge relief to hear you're having a good experience with it now; I'm so glad! Both for you and for the idea that trying again might not be so bad after the fact, haha.

I might wind up on something similar to you tbh, because low dose Xanax really seems to help me on bad days without messing with my ability to function. (Which sucks because I don't have any right now, and it wasn't technically my prescription lmao, but desperate times and all that.)
Feb. 12th, 2018 04:27 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah that might be some cysts bursting like the bastards they are. NORMALLY I'm set but I'd say a few times a year I feel like someone has literally stabbed me in the stomach and I just lie down and hope it passes. One time it happened while I was DRIVING. The one that ended with me getting a hysterectomy was FIVE POUNDS. The size of a freaking baby. Yeah I am VERY therapy positive and medication positive. I totally understand how terrifying it is.

The problem with bipolar is that your brain is constantly trying to fuck with you. We're some of the hardest people to medicate because it's like the disease specifically targets the reasons why you shouldn't use medication and you don't need it. I have two friends who I regularly have to talk off the ledge in terms of just stopping cold turkey and I feel it all the time myself, that voice going you're fine now, you don't need it, you're strong you got this. And we can be really hard to medicate because it needs to be a soup of things to hit all the aspects. The mood stabilizer, the anxiety stabilizer, usually on other depending on what type you have (I lean the most toward OCD and intrusive thoughts).

Xanax isssss the only thing that can get me to sleep. I won't sleep for days unless I get drugged, lol. I was on a hypomania adventure for six days once with no sleeping and eating. FUN TIMES. So I have a fairly high dose of it to knock me out. But I can take half ones for when I'm just going into a high anxiety situation. Anyway the gist is, I know it's SUPER FRUSTRATING at first because they don't always get the right mix immediately, and the side effects at first are a pain in the ass. It is worth it once you're stabilized, I promise. It really really is.

tl;dr sorry
Feb. 12th, 2018 04:27 pm (UTC)
partial hysterectomy*